eHarmony Reject

** For the record this is the most embarrassing/funny thing that has ever happened to me.  Consider yourselves lucky.

I believe in a previous blog post I mentioned an eHarmony incident that I promised to one day tell you about.  You can check that out here.

My time frame is a little off as I have the memory of a goldfish but just bear with me, it doesn’t really matter when it happened the embarrassment lasts a lifetime.

It was the summer of 2006 I believe.  My relationship with my on again off again high school sweetheart was finally coming to a long and bitter end.  We were starting to acknowledge that we made each other crazy and miserable and it was time to walk away.  There was a lot of damage done that we were never going to recover from.  When I finally realized there was no fixing things, it was both a sense of relief and incredible loneliness.  Wow… I am getting way to serious over here. Eek!  Let’s jump past this mushy, gushy crap and get to the good stuff.

I was working for the University as a Conference Assistant at the time that all of this was happening and I had been stuck on all night shifts for quite a while, like 2 months.  The good thing about working the night shifts was that you got to be on your computer and could watch movies and TV which helped to keep you awake.  You also raked in the hours and the money because, let’s face it, who wants to work the night shift?  The bad part about it was that after so long without any sun, hours of infomercials, and general lack of sleep, you become quite delusional.  It is even worse when you are going through a break up. 

One night I was working the desk in Kauffman Hall where we had a grand total of two guests.  Pending any fires, pranks or break-ins I knew it was going to be a long and uneventful night.  Around 3 am, a commercial came on for eHarmony asking me if I was looking for love.  I may have been really tired but I swear this guy was talking right to me.  And I thought to myself “Yes!  I am looking for love!  And I would love your help finding it Mr. Man!”  He had me hook, line and sinker when he said it was a 3 week free trial.  So I got on my computer and spent an hour and a half filling out a personality profile.  Everything from religion to children to drinking to social activities.  It was actually quite exhausting.  I finally got done and I clicked submit and a little screen popped up that says “Thanks for starting your search for love with us!  We will send you an email in 30 minutes with your first 3 matches.”

Wooooo hoooo!  This was hands down the easiest thing I have ever done to meet guys, and it didn’t even involve me doing my hair or shaving my legs.  I started thinking about all of the wonderful guys that eHarmony was going to set me up!  I was of course assuming they would all be very good looking and very rich with beards.  Pretty soon my computer alerts me that I have mail.  At this point it is almost 5 am and I can hardly stand the excitement!  I open up the email and this is what it said…..

“We regret to inform you that you fit in to the 2% of users that we are unable to match with anyone.  We appreciate you starting your search for love with us.  Good luck."

I will wait for you to stop laughing…….

Are you done yet??.....

Its not that funny……

Ok, here was my reaction to that.

Um…. WHAT?!?!?!  You mean to tell me that not only did my boyfriend break up with me, but eHarmony won’t even give me a chance???  And then I said words like *&^%^& and *&^&%%$%^* and a little @%$%^.  And then I think I called my mom crying saying things like “The *sniffle* internet *sob* doesn’t *sniffle* even *blow my nose* love *wailing* meeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

I of course didn’t tell anyone about this because I was so embarrassed that I had even tried to sign up for it let alone that I got rejected!  So I kept this one a safely guarded secret.  Until now.  You’re welcome readers... You.Are.Welcome.

I can laugh about it now.  In fact, I think that this is probably one of the most hysterical things that has ever happened to me.  And every time of one my dear friends suggest that I maybe try internet dating I always have to giggle.  No thank you, I will work this one out on my own.  Being single is a lot better than being rejected by email.

I am still left with some lingering questions.  Why couldn’t they just throw that 2% of us in a group to just sort it out ourselves??  What answer did I give that made me so unmatchable??   Did that survey reveal something about me that I need to be concerned about??  Am I a future Lifetime psycho movie??

Eh, who am I kidding.  I was obviously unmatchable because of my awesomeness…. J

How Kate Middleton Ruined My Life

How Kate Middleton Ruined My Life

There she is.  The girl who stole my thunder and didn’t even send me a Facebook apology.  Don’t get me wrong, I think that Kate it actually pretty awesome and I guess I am happy for her and Will.  It’s just that I had a pretty meticulous plan marrying a King in my adult life and now all of that is ruined.  Let me explain.

First, let me introduce you to the cast.

   
Prince William

                                                                                                                                Prince Harry
                                                                                                                                       

      

                                                                     My Future Baby

Now, I know that you are looking at the above pictures and thinking “But William is bald, why would you want to marry him??  Harry is obviously the cute one!”  And I completely agree with you, really I do!  I love everything about Harry.  He has red hair, he parties too much, and he is a total bad ass.  3 things I happen to love in a guy!  I have nothing in common with Will.  He is responsible and always says the right thing, we would definitely not get along.  But there is one thing that Will has that Harry doesn’t.  The Thrown.  And considering I am pretty selfish and my morals tend to sway to the lower end of the spectrum, Will is the obvious choice of the two.

Here is how I thought my life would go.

1.       Meet Will

2.       He obviously falls in love with my stunning personality and charm

3.       So does Harry J

4.       I harmlessly flirt my tushy off with Harry, but know if I want to own the thrown I need to marry will

5.       Marry Will

6.       Have a scandalous affair with Harry

7.       Get preggers.  It is Harry’s baby and not Will’s… *gasp*

8.       I live with the secret until Will is involved in a freak polo accident.  It is on his death bed that I confess the truth to him

9.       Will tells me that he knew I should have been with Harry all along, and when he dies he wants me to marry him and be happy.

10.   Will dies.

11.   Me and Harry begin planning our happily ever after.

12.   All of England loves Harry for stepping up to the plate to marry me and be a father to “Will’s” kid.  Yay us!

13.   After becoming Queen years later the scandal is discovered and I am beheaded.  This makes me very famous.

14.   Scarlett Johansson plays me in a movie.

So although I am happy that Kate and Will are together because they actually seem in love, I am just bummed that I have to come up an entirely different life plan.  *Sigh*  Maybe I should write for soap operas or choose something that wouldnt involve a beheading.

That Dreaded 'F' Word....

Furby.

There it is.  A Furby.  Sure, it seems harmless enough but boy are you wrong!

Here is some background on these disturbing little creatures.  The Furby first came out in the late 1990s.  I didn't like Furbies then either.  Something was just so...unnatural about the whole thing.  When you get them they only speak 'Furbish', which is a disturbing language in itself.  If you make it through that first day with your Furby without being frightened to death and taking that thing to the landfill to be buried deep in the earth, you will find that it starts to 'learn english' and it starts chatting with you.  Its ears and eyes also move.  Creepy.

Well now they came out with a Furby 2.0 that is even 'better' than the original.  There's new features such as LED eyes that will portray different emotions.  You can now tickle your Furby and he will laugh and giggle with you.  You can also get mad at your Furby and shake him upside down and it will make him dizzy and sad.  Creepy.

So what is my beef with this little monster?  Um.... ever see "Tales From The Crypt??  Let me explain.

When I was young, very young, I remember sneaking downstairs late one night because I wanted to watch this show called "Tales From The Crypt" mainly because my mom told me I couldn't.  So creeping down the stairs I go, turn the channel and this is the first thing I see...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am now completely paralyzed with fear.  I want to reach over to the remote and turn off the TV but I just can't because that skeleton thing might be right over the edge of the chair and he will eat my hand off when I go to grab it.

Is anyone else having a panic attack right now or is it just me?

Anyway, I don't remember all of the details of that dreaded episode, but I got the main points burned into my memory forever.  Basically this puppeteer guy was minding his own business when all of a sudden all of his puppets came to life and started to kill him and other people.  Give me a break guys, it was a lot more terrifying that I am making it seem.

After watching that I went off the deep end.  I made sure to tell my stuffed animals every night how pretty they all were and how much I loved them so that they wouldn't stab me with a 12 inch butcher knife as I slept.  I would try my hardest to rotate which stuffed animals got to sleep with me and the ones that I thought were most likely to kill me got to sleep with me every night.  I believe I finally asked my mom to get rid of them, not because I was outgrew them, but I was so tired of trying to stay awake to avoid a certain death, that I just couldn't take it anymore.

Then the Furby came.  Now if you are a kid who is already terrified of stuffed animals who don't  move, blink, or talk in their own weird language, this is the WORST possible thing that could be invented.  I never had one, never even had a desire to because I just knew that taking a bath one night that Furby would come to life and throw the blow dryer in the bathtub and electrocute me.  The friends that I knew that had a Furby, I simply avoided going over to their house as I would rather not see them hacked to pieces with a hatchet.

Hm... I was a weird kid, man.

I am 26 now and I should probably be over that fear of stuffed animals committing heinous murders, but just on the off chance that it might happen I definitely won't be purchasing a Furby 2.0.

Oh, and sorry Mom for sneaking downstairs and watching shows I shouldn't have watched and most likely causing you some sleepless nights.  I was worried my stuffed animals would get you too.  I am sure glad they didn't. :)