It is no secret that my dear friend Jessica Schwager is one of the closest people to me on this planet. That is no surprise considering we email each other almost every day. I just love that girl because I can literally tell her ANYTHING and I know that she has my back 100%.
Well as serious as some of our emails are, we also share a lot of laughs. I honestly wish that we could just make out emails public because they are so hysterical and they really show how completely awesome we are, but we cant for the following reasons.
1. We talk too much shit and too much sex.
2. Mama Wendy and Mama Schwag would not approve.
3. Multiple people would defriend us on Facebook.
4. We would forever be single.
But I just couldnt resist sharing some of my favorite PG quotes with all of you. I have decided not to tell you all if it was me or Jessica that said it, that way if there is something on here that would disappoint our mothers, then we can just blame it on each other.
They say that laughter is the best medicine, and because of this girl I have probably added 10 years to my lifespan.
Enjoy!
I don't know why I hate the world...maybe it's because I'm pale.
Let's just Thelma and Louise it and drive off a cliff.
There is a 98% chance I will get drunk and punch her in the throat.
BLUE BANANA WHAT IS HAPPENING!
I have no idea how to act. I'm so much cooler via text message
Yay day drinking!!!!!
I am going back to denial now.
That's my goal in life: be funnier and more successful on Facebook than in real life.
Just say "I meant to text you a while ago but I have been jetting around the country drinking thousand dollar champagne and partying with Usher"... or whatever you have been doing
Not that I dont want him to be successful but my life seemed so much cooler when he was struggling. Blah.
Did you know that he is a KARAOKE KING??? No shizzle
I literally give myself a pat on the back for breaking up with him
He looks like a muppet and that also makes me uncomfortable
The reason you were drinking on a Tuesday night is why we are friends
So Drunky Pants over here (me) decided that I would text him, wft is wrong with me?
Which who am I kidding. I honestly got lazy on the "shaving the legs" thing again, so that has
been about two... ok fine, three weeks ago... and I am whiter than Casper the friendly ghost. And I wonder why I am single...
....have you really not shaved your legs for three weeks....I'M GAGGING RIGHT NOW. The pale thing is fine. Being pale is hawt. (because it means no skin cancer). But the legs? girlllll.
We are way too cool not to invite places. Let's start having our own parties.
I just read your blog. I concurr that you do, indeed, have a brain tumor. There was not a hint of sarcasm anywhere to be found in that email. You, my friend, probably only have days to live. OH... MY... GOD... this will be just like the movie Beaches!! You will be all sad and pale and dying and I will come and live and take care of you in your fabulous beach house and then raise you kid after
you die and I will sing at your funeral!
Your inability to say no happens to be one of the 867 things I like
most about you. In fact, if you had the ability to say no, you would
have told that crazy drunk girl (me) all those years ago that you
would NOT be going pee with her. Thank goodness you didnt!!
Otherwise, we would probably not be friends today. :)
Beard - check. Hilariousness - check. I think he has a cat - check
Are you coming to NE anytime soon? Or do I have to drive my honky ass through a toll booth and
come and visit you?
Holy shit, this is a lifetime murder/stalker movie in the making, I
just know it. You will be the friend that knew I should have been
institutionalized and didnt do it...
That girl should just stick to wearing minimal clothing,
humping big plastic white dogs and singing. I mean, come on girl,
lets play on your strengths.
I think I should buy a tapeworm online and then I can eat whatever I
want. I am going to go and google what the chances of that killing me
are.
